Yesterday I met with a client of mine, someone who is near and dear to me. She’s also a boss lady and a dream chaser. It’s so calming to my soul to be around people who understand me so deeply, and can tell me the things that I need to hear. She reminded me that I seek approval too much and that I’m too hard on myself. She reminded me to go in the path of least resistance, even if that path was not intended. She shared a story about how her business drastically changed this year because something fell through. After some time and reflection, this perceived negative turned into exactly what she needed.
Then I stumbled upon this video. It reminded me that even though I live my life differently, that I need to accept my resistance as an indication of following my own path. For instance, I’m pretty impulsive, and though I love structure in certain ways (business), I love freedom in my own personal life. I’m heading to Marfa this weekend for a friend’s wedding. However, I just booked my plane ticket on Sunday. I couldn’t figure out why I was so ‘irresponsibly’ putting off buying my ticket. It’s not like I wasn’t going to go. I had booked my tent / trailer situation at El Cosmico over a month ago, but for some reason I hadn’t booked my plane ticket just yet. I was really feeling kind of bad about myself, thinking thoughts like, “You’re so irresponsible,” and “You’re sabotaging this trip,” etc. But then I stumbled upon a Facebook post about Austin, and it instantly clicked. Instead of a quick weekend trip (believe me there’s nothing quick about getting to Marfa), I decided on a Texas road trip that will have me spending 6.5 hours alone in the car in the middle of southern Texas on a trajectory to one of the most creative cities in this country, which is exactly what I need right now. So, my intuition to wait to book my ticket was because I needed something more. My brain is constantly working, and I rarely get a minute for deep, quiet thinking about my own life. But regardless, my soul knows what it needs, even if my brain takes a minute to catch up.
I’ll also say that I’m a person that needs time for contemplation. As much as I like being impulsive, I don’t like being rushed if I’ve not had time to consider things. I make decisions intuitively, and I certainly resist decisions that others are making for me. I’m really busy, and my mind is constantly thinking deeper about my own work, so I end up resisting making decisions until I’ve had the proper time to consider things quietly in my own time. This quality is in exact opposition to how the flea works, which feels more like the pace of being an ER doctor, attending to critical issues at light speed rather than meticulously plotting out each detail with time to spare. I like both. I’m good at both. But I’m not good at them equally all of the time.
I guess all this leads me to the realization that I’m learning more about myself, each and every day. The high-stress pace and out-there nature of running the flea has me feeling depleted, as much as I would have considered myself some kind of extrovert. So, going inward with my client work, allowing myself to work alone and in my own time, and really dive deep into the thoughts required to do the type of client work that I do, is what I need to balance myself. Being forgiving and understanding of myself is something I realize I need to work on daily.